Gay in Sussex County

The recent legislative defeat of gay marriage continues to make everyday life just a little harder, By Becca Tucker SPARTA — Tracy Bouma-Hannam and Chris Hannam have lived in Sussex County for 17 years. Chris, 43, is the director of social work at a psychiatric hospital, and Tracy, 44, stays home with their two children, Olivia, 8, and Matthew, 6. Two weekends ago the couple went into New York City to see a new play in celebration of their 20th anniversary. They can’t get married, though, because Tracy and Chris are both women. On Jan. 7, the New Jersey State Legislature voted against a bill to legalize gay marriage. A little history In her early 20s, Chris was engaged to a man. “I couldn’t even acknowledge it to myself. You do what you’re supposed to do and just live your life. I was so scared and young.” Tracy and Chris grew up in Sussex County. “I didn’t even know what gay was as a kid,” says Tracy. She went to the Catholic high school in Sparta, where “the whole culture was against what I was feeling.” Chris moved to Iowa for high school, “where you didn’t even consider talking about being gay.” At age 9 or 10, she remembers a feeling of terror that people would find out... something. She knew it had to do with what kids made fun of limp-wristed boys for, but she didn’t know what to call it. In college, Tracy started feeling different, but it wasn’t until she met Chris that she knew she was gay. When she came out, Tracy cut herself off from her high school friends. Even after Chris broke off her engagement to be with Tracy, they called themselves roommates for awhile. When New Jersey legalized domestic partnerships in 2004, Tracy and Chris were among the first couples in the state to register. In 2006, when civil unions were legalized, they had a wedding with their children, families, cake — the whole nine yards. They thought the difference between civil unions and marriage would be basically semantic. They were wrong. The financial impact Being gay costs the couple about $5,000 a year. When they were deciding who would stay home with the kids and who would bring home the bacon, it came down to numbers. Their salaries were comparable, but when Chris’s company offered her a raise to stay, Tracy quit her job as an inventory planner. It worked out at first. The more social of the two, Tracy was better suited to being home, and building a community around the family. And Tracy got health benefits through Chris’ company. But when Chris’ Southern-based company changed hands, the new owner, whom Chris describes as “very set in his beliefs,” joined the majority of large employers when he stopped extending benefits to same-sex partners. In addition to being less comprehensive, Tracy’s private coverage now costs an additional $3,000 a year, the pair estimates. Then there are taxes. While Tracy and Chris file a joint income tax return in New Jersey, they have to file their federal returns separately. They lose out on about $2,000 in federal tax refunds. Tracy’s last name is not legally Bouma-Hannam like her children’s, although that’s how many friends refer to her. To have it changed, she’d have to go to court and pay a $200 filing fee. “It’s a matter of money and time,” says Tracy. “It’s not just easy the way it is for other people.” According to The New York Times a same sex couple in a domestic partnership will pay between $29,000 and $212,000 in expenses over a lifetime that their married counterparts do not. The children Olivia and Matthew are biologically half-siblings. Chris used sperm from an anonymous donor, and when Olivia was born, Tracy legally adopted her. A year and a half later, Tracy used the same sperm donor, and Chris cross-adopted Matt. Chris did all the paperwork herself. She said it was surprisingly easy. “I think the judge was just happy to see a kid with two parents who love them,” said Tracy. The kids know they’re different, said Tracy. While their family structure is “by far the minority, they do know there are others around.” Olivia recently explained to her lunch table that her family did not belong to a church because she had two moms. The Bouma-Hannams were planning to sign both up for a church-organized basketball league that their friends had joined. But when they went to the church’s Web site, they saw a scrolling message opposing gay marriage. The women explained to Matt and Olivia why they couldn’t join the basketball league. “I can’t write a check to someone who’s working against us,” said Chris. The couple has a large circle of friends including about 10 neighbors they can call at a moment’s notice to watch the children. “There’s no overt homophobia,” said Chris, “but you know from neighbors how some other neighbors feel.” Keeping spiritual “I pray. It’s just not organized,” said Chris. Raised Catholic, she left the church during the coming out process. Tracy did the same. After that, they fell out of the habit of organized religion. Both think it might be nice to find a church. Some churches do welcome gays. Still, unpleasant experiences make them hesitant. Recently, on their way into a church for a christening, Chris and Tracy walked past people handing out literature against the gay marriage legislation. “It was hard,” says Tracy, “to walk into a church knowing there are people telling me I can’t love the person I love.” Politically speaking Earlier this month, when the state Legislature voted against gay marriage, this couple lost another opportunity. “It was a big blow for me,” said Tracy, of the 21-14 vote. “I don’t understand how it couldn’t pass.” Chris was not surprised. “I knew it wouldn’t pass. I knew going in.” But she’s confident that during her lifetime, most of the county will recognize gay marriage. Tracy and Chris don’t consider themselves political, but they do feel they’ve advanced the cause just by being themselves.

According to a 2009 study underwritten by the Pew Charitable Trusts, 58 percent of Americans between 18 and 29 support gay marriage, compared to 22 percent of Americans 65 and older. The age divide cuts across ideological lines. A 2008 study showed that 26 percent of white evangelicals under 30 supported full marriage rights for same-sex couples, while only nine percent of older evangelicals did.

Five states and Washington D.C. allow same-sex marriage. They are Massachusetts, Connecticut, Iowa, New Hampshire and Vermont
Ten states allow same-sex unions or grant other rights. Those states are Wisconsin, Oregon, New Jersey, Nevada, Hawaii, Washington, Colorado, California, Maryland and Maine

Parents, Friends of Lesbian and Gays have a support group: PFLAG Sparta/Northwest NJ
c/o Sparta United Methodist Church
71 Sparta Ave.
Sparta, NJ 07871
Phone: 973-729-9909
Web site: community.pflag.org